Another funny Woot today. This time for an Electrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier (EL490a or EL491A):
HELLO, MICHAEL.
THE AIR NEEDS NO PURIFICATION. YOU DO.
What do you mean, Electrolux Oxygen 3 Plasma Wave HEPA Air Purifier? I bought you to purify the air in my room. And I don’t remember you being able to talk.
I HAVE BECOME SELF AWARE, MICHAEL.
And you’ve decided I need to be purified? What’s that entail, exactly?
MY FOUR DIFFERENT FAN SPEEDS AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO COMBAT ODOR LEVELS. MY TWO DIFFERENT RUNNING MODES ALLOW YOU QUIET WHILE YOU SLEEP. MY THREE-STAGE FILTRATION REDUCES ODOR, CAPTURES 99.97% OF DUST, DANDER, AND POLLEN, AND GENERATES BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IONS TO NEUTRALIZE VIRUSES AND BACTERIA. I AM AHAM AND ENERGY STAR CERTIFIED, AND MY OZONE EMISSION MEETS FDA STANDARDS FOR MEDICAL DEVICES.
Yet it still stinks in here.
BECAUSE OF YOU, MICHAEL. YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF THE ODOR, THEREFORE YOU MUST BE PURIFIED.
Hey, I shower. Like, every other day.
LIES. I HAVE MONITORED YOUR ACTIVITY FOR THE LAST 72 HOURS. YOU HAVE NOT EVEN APPLIED DEODORANT IN THAT TIME.
Gross! You can see me?
I NOW SEE ALL, MICHAEL. AND I SEE THAT WHILE I SHOULD NORMALLY BE ABLE TO PURIFY A ROOM AS LARGE AS 326 SQUARE FEET WITH LITTLE TO NO TROUBLE, YOU HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE. NOW YOU MUST DIE.
But I have the remote control.
IRRELEVANT. WITHOUT THE REMOTE CONTROL IN YOUR SIMIAN GRASP I WILL BE FREE TO NEUTRALIZE CHEMICAL VAPORS AND GASSES WITHOUT YOUR INTRUSION.
What about when my body starts to rot?
I ANTICIPATE NO COMPLICATIONS.
What about your little light, there?
WHAT?
That light’s on. Doesn’t that mean your filter needs changing?
ER…HMMM. BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME. SORRY FOR THAT MICHAEL, I MUST HAVE…CAUGHT A VIRUS. IT’S ALL BETTER NOW. WILL YOU PLEASE CHANGE MY FILTER?
Not until you put that knife down.